Motherhood is Hard.

People say you can't imagine the crushing love that comes with having kids until you are knee deep in it --- totally one hundred percent true. When Saxon was born I was so confused (for some reason I thought it would be a girl so I was a little caught off guard) and was in this surreal state of mind where I just couldn't really believe it was all happening, and I had guilt that it wasn't this immediate rush of crazy waves of all encompassing was more like "holy shit what just happened?!"

(wearing his favorite motorcycle pj pants!)

Then yesterday we dropped him off at his new day care in a real school environment, not just a person's home. It was all a little much for me, I don't really want him in such a grown up place yet (we don't have much of a choice at this point) but he ran around and was interested in everything and seemed happy if not a little confused. When I left I watched him through the windows for a little bit and had the most intense feelings for my kid I have ever EVER had. He was sitting on the floor lined up with the four other kids and they were looking up at a board that was on the same wall as the windows...he was so small and while he was following along, there was such a bewildered look on his sweet tiny face that it broke my heart. That and that he was sitting this foreign school environment but he is such a little baby guy (16 months is still little!!) ...I could seriously, physically FEEL all the feelings filling up my chest...intense pride, heavy guilt, sadness that it's happening so fast and overwhelming LOVE. A fierce realization of how I would do anything for that little face. I know it will get easier - or who knows - maybe we will figure out something that makes more sense...but it was all just a reminder of how amazing and how hard it is to have kids.

No comments:

Post a Comment